ChaosResolved
03-05-2006, 09:47 AM
The other day, I had this brilliant, brilliant idea. Why don't I listen to every album I own in alphabetical order? I began my foray into this deep, dark world with Abandoned Pools, but very soon found my way to bands like The Academy Is… I almost gave up, just two records in. But I would persist. Later that day, I got to Alice in Chains's Dirt, an album I'd purchased because somebody had convinced me that my early-year's disdain for the band was not well-founded. For eight bucks, how could I not afford to take the risk? Especially since this is supposed to be the "best band ever." On first listen, I did not like Dirt, but I kept it anyway.
I'd try to listen to it now and again to get the feeling. The only thing I ever liked about Alice in Chains was the absolute and utter irony that Layne Staley penned the song "Man in a Box." That makes me laugh, because death is funny to me.
Speaking of death being funny to me, why are so many people so easily offended by jokes at the expense of someone who has recently died? Every time I make a joke about such things, there's always somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who was related to the deceased and they always tell me I shouldn't make jokes about that particular person's death. Look, ma'am or sir, I'm sorry he died, but it's not my fault that the news used the following lead-in to their show: "A Pleasanton man opens fire in his own home. Five are dead. A live report at 11." You heartless fucking writers. Why do you use "a live" right after you said "dead?" Why am I not allowed to make fun of this?
But back to Alice in Chains being a fucking boring, overrated, undertalented waste of my time. I don't care if Layne Staley's crooning was somewhat original for the time. Point is, it was very easily imitated and everybody and their grandmother imitated it in well-planned get-rich-quick schemes. Jerry Cantrell was a great guitarist? I don't hear it. Was no one aware that metal existed? Doesn't anyone see that that shit was boring, even for its time, but me?
But I will give Alice in Chains one thing: Their fans aren't nearly the retards that Pearl Jam fans are. Has anyone ever taken Pearl Jam fans seriously? Most of us moved on after Versus. Maybe even before then. Why did all of these other people stick around? Am I missing something here? Ten was a pretty good album, but not something that would cause me to schedule my life around a West Coast tour in mid-April. Ridiculous. How do people take Pearl Jam so seriously, yet cast off Creed so easily? "One" by Creed was way better than almost every Pearl Jam song. And "One" sucked. Which leads me to my attack on guitar magazines: Are you aware that Mark Tremonti was once named Best Guitarist in the World? Mark Tremonti, of Creed. Best guitarist in the world. I know this is limited to guitarists who put out an album that particular year, but come on! Mark Tremonti? Of Creed? The worst part was, he somehow used this and spun it when he started his new band (name forgotten), and had people believing he had unbelievable metal chops. Did you know he listened to Metallica? Crazy, isn't it? Unimaginable that a guitarist would listen to Metallica as a kid. Out of this world. Unheard of.
Selecting Mark Tremonti as Best Guitarist In the World 2001 isn't even the worst thing guitar magazines have done. Have you seen their selections for "Best Riffs?" At least Best Guitarist is selected by idiotic readers. People who dedicate their LIVES to guitars somehow selected "Bottom of a Bottle" by Smile Empty Soul as one of the best riffs of whatever year that was (2002? 2003?). How do people put credence in a magazine that does this? How do they maintain a readership? Then they always throw in one metal riff per year to keep the true metalheads happy. And it's always Zakk Wylde. Always. Now that Dimebag Darrell is dead, anyway. Now that's a guitarist. Great riffs, great solos, dirty, looked the part. Zakk Wylde is a shitty riff writer, dammit. Amazing guitarist, for sure, but his riffs are so bad. And his voice is worse. The guy should record nothing but solos. Hand the songwriting duties off to somebody else, then just drop a fucking badass solo every twenty seconds. Play to your strengths. Maybe that's what Jerry Cantrell does, the badass solos. I don't know. I never saw Alice in Chains live. But why would I have? They aren't good or interesting or worth my time and money.
I guess the only illogical thing to do now is talk about Stone Temple Pilots. This is probably the only Seattle band that I mildly enjoy. Purple or 13 Gracious Melodies was pretty good for its time, but didn't fare well with the Future Listens Faerie. Tiny Songs from the Vatican Gift Shop didn't do anything for me. No. 4 is actually the only STP record I enjoy all the way through. Then they rushed the follow up that I dismissed almost immediately. Later, the DeLeo Brothers would produce an Alien Ant Farm record. And the singer would end up in rehab and in that supergroup with Slash. That group should have formed back in 1994. They would have been amazing. How long had it been since Slash actually recorded guitar tracks in a studio? No one was concerned about the rust? Coke-fueled days and booze-filled nights don't really keep a guitarist on the cutting edge. Well, I guess they have to use SOMETHING for the coke, but it's not a guitar pick, most likely.
I can't believe I've gone this far into this and never mentioned Nirvana, the holy grail of overrated shit. I was living in Seattle when all of this stuff was blowing up. My sister went to a few PJ and Nirvana shows without my parents' knowledge. She loved them. I tried to get into them, but it just never worked. Years later, people are finally seeing things from my perspective. Nowadays, any respected music journalist will tell you that In Utero had too much filler and that Nevermind did as well. Yet when I said, "Only these three songs are worth a shit" as a twelve-year old, I didn't know what I was talking about. When I pulled out From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah and listened strictly to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Heartshaped Box," was it because they were huge singles or because they were the only tunes worth a damn?
Nothing makes me angrier than hearing that Failure sounded like Nirvana, by the way. Nothing. Why? Because Failure is one of my top three all time favorite bands and, try as I might, I never hear the similarities. You naysayers almost have a point with Comfort. Which, by the way, Steve Albini worked on, which gives you fucks something as "proof" that they ripped off Nirvana. Strangely, Failure got to Albini first, so there goes that. Thanks for playing, please come again. Nirvana never wrote an album that was as good as Fantastic Planet. Then again, Failure never wrote an album as overtly influential as Nevermind. Failure's standing in rock history will probably live on longer, as they've inspired people to do more than just copy a sound. No one who hears Fantastic Planet today thinks it's all that special. But consider the fact that it was recorded in 1995 and that, over the next ten years, its sound would be blatantly stolen, regurgitated, and dumbed down, and OF COURSE you're not going to see how great it is. It was a groundbreaking album that got beaten to death by people who saw where it could go. Nirvana's place in music history ended the day rap took back the airwaves. Or will once Seether finally puts themselves out of my misery.
Soundgarden's one of very few Seattle bands I take seriously. But, like most Seattle bands, I also did not like them while I was in the area. When I got to Sacramento, one of the members of Quitter was talking to me and brought them up and I vehemently held my position against the band. He told me to go pick up Down on the Upside used somewhere. I changed my mind in a hurry. The only problem I have with Soundgarden is that their albums tend to drag on. They should really have released 50% more albums and staggered the releases. 50 minutes of Soundgarden? Great! 70 minutes of Soundgarden? You're pushing it.
But that's all one man's opinion. I'm sure many, many people will disagree, but this is just how I see it. Keep in mind that, while I was living in Seattle, Coolio, 2Pac, and Green Day were my favorite music artists. Well, maybe not Coolio. His video for "Fantastic Voyage" was on a lot, though, and it was enjoyable. If he's in my list of favorite artists from 1994, then TLC should be too. Three fine black ladies telling me not to follow dreams that had no logical conclusions while dancing in water? How are you not a fan? Then one of them destroyed Andre Rison's home and, inevitably, his career. Another got fat. Is the other one still hot? Oh well, she's 40 now, isn't she? I guess it was just 2Pac and Green Day, then. I apologize for the profanity.
--Ben Rice
I'd try to listen to it now and again to get the feeling. The only thing I ever liked about Alice in Chains was the absolute and utter irony that Layne Staley penned the song "Man in a Box." That makes me laugh, because death is funny to me.
Speaking of death being funny to me, why are so many people so easily offended by jokes at the expense of someone who has recently died? Every time I make a joke about such things, there's always somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who was related to the deceased and they always tell me I shouldn't make jokes about that particular person's death. Look, ma'am or sir, I'm sorry he died, but it's not my fault that the news used the following lead-in to their show: "A Pleasanton man opens fire in his own home. Five are dead. A live report at 11." You heartless fucking writers. Why do you use "a live" right after you said "dead?" Why am I not allowed to make fun of this?
But back to Alice in Chains being a fucking boring, overrated, undertalented waste of my time. I don't care if Layne Staley's crooning was somewhat original for the time. Point is, it was very easily imitated and everybody and their grandmother imitated it in well-planned get-rich-quick schemes. Jerry Cantrell was a great guitarist? I don't hear it. Was no one aware that metal existed? Doesn't anyone see that that shit was boring, even for its time, but me?
But I will give Alice in Chains one thing: Their fans aren't nearly the retards that Pearl Jam fans are. Has anyone ever taken Pearl Jam fans seriously? Most of us moved on after Versus. Maybe even before then. Why did all of these other people stick around? Am I missing something here? Ten was a pretty good album, but not something that would cause me to schedule my life around a West Coast tour in mid-April. Ridiculous. How do people take Pearl Jam so seriously, yet cast off Creed so easily? "One" by Creed was way better than almost every Pearl Jam song. And "One" sucked. Which leads me to my attack on guitar magazines: Are you aware that Mark Tremonti was once named Best Guitarist in the World? Mark Tremonti, of Creed. Best guitarist in the world. I know this is limited to guitarists who put out an album that particular year, but come on! Mark Tremonti? Of Creed? The worst part was, he somehow used this and spun it when he started his new band (name forgotten), and had people believing he had unbelievable metal chops. Did you know he listened to Metallica? Crazy, isn't it? Unimaginable that a guitarist would listen to Metallica as a kid. Out of this world. Unheard of.
Selecting Mark Tremonti as Best Guitarist In the World 2001 isn't even the worst thing guitar magazines have done. Have you seen their selections for "Best Riffs?" At least Best Guitarist is selected by idiotic readers. People who dedicate their LIVES to guitars somehow selected "Bottom of a Bottle" by Smile Empty Soul as one of the best riffs of whatever year that was (2002? 2003?). How do people put credence in a magazine that does this? How do they maintain a readership? Then they always throw in one metal riff per year to keep the true metalheads happy. And it's always Zakk Wylde. Always. Now that Dimebag Darrell is dead, anyway. Now that's a guitarist. Great riffs, great solos, dirty, looked the part. Zakk Wylde is a shitty riff writer, dammit. Amazing guitarist, for sure, but his riffs are so bad. And his voice is worse. The guy should record nothing but solos. Hand the songwriting duties off to somebody else, then just drop a fucking badass solo every twenty seconds. Play to your strengths. Maybe that's what Jerry Cantrell does, the badass solos. I don't know. I never saw Alice in Chains live. But why would I have? They aren't good or interesting or worth my time and money.
I guess the only illogical thing to do now is talk about Stone Temple Pilots. This is probably the only Seattle band that I mildly enjoy. Purple or 13 Gracious Melodies was pretty good for its time, but didn't fare well with the Future Listens Faerie. Tiny Songs from the Vatican Gift Shop didn't do anything for me. No. 4 is actually the only STP record I enjoy all the way through. Then they rushed the follow up that I dismissed almost immediately. Later, the DeLeo Brothers would produce an Alien Ant Farm record. And the singer would end up in rehab and in that supergroup with Slash. That group should have formed back in 1994. They would have been amazing. How long had it been since Slash actually recorded guitar tracks in a studio? No one was concerned about the rust? Coke-fueled days and booze-filled nights don't really keep a guitarist on the cutting edge. Well, I guess they have to use SOMETHING for the coke, but it's not a guitar pick, most likely.
I can't believe I've gone this far into this and never mentioned Nirvana, the holy grail of overrated shit. I was living in Seattle when all of this stuff was blowing up. My sister went to a few PJ and Nirvana shows without my parents' knowledge. She loved them. I tried to get into them, but it just never worked. Years later, people are finally seeing things from my perspective. Nowadays, any respected music journalist will tell you that In Utero had too much filler and that Nevermind did as well. Yet when I said, "Only these three songs are worth a shit" as a twelve-year old, I didn't know what I was talking about. When I pulled out From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah and listened strictly to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Heartshaped Box," was it because they were huge singles or because they were the only tunes worth a damn?
Nothing makes me angrier than hearing that Failure sounded like Nirvana, by the way. Nothing. Why? Because Failure is one of my top three all time favorite bands and, try as I might, I never hear the similarities. You naysayers almost have a point with Comfort. Which, by the way, Steve Albini worked on, which gives you fucks something as "proof" that they ripped off Nirvana. Strangely, Failure got to Albini first, so there goes that. Thanks for playing, please come again. Nirvana never wrote an album that was as good as Fantastic Planet. Then again, Failure never wrote an album as overtly influential as Nevermind. Failure's standing in rock history will probably live on longer, as they've inspired people to do more than just copy a sound. No one who hears Fantastic Planet today thinks it's all that special. But consider the fact that it was recorded in 1995 and that, over the next ten years, its sound would be blatantly stolen, regurgitated, and dumbed down, and OF COURSE you're not going to see how great it is. It was a groundbreaking album that got beaten to death by people who saw where it could go. Nirvana's place in music history ended the day rap took back the airwaves. Or will once Seether finally puts themselves out of my misery.
Soundgarden's one of very few Seattle bands I take seriously. But, like most Seattle bands, I also did not like them while I was in the area. When I got to Sacramento, one of the members of Quitter was talking to me and brought them up and I vehemently held my position against the band. He told me to go pick up Down on the Upside used somewhere. I changed my mind in a hurry. The only problem I have with Soundgarden is that their albums tend to drag on. They should really have released 50% more albums and staggered the releases. 50 minutes of Soundgarden? Great! 70 minutes of Soundgarden? You're pushing it.
But that's all one man's opinion. I'm sure many, many people will disagree, but this is just how I see it. Keep in mind that, while I was living in Seattle, Coolio, 2Pac, and Green Day were my favorite music artists. Well, maybe not Coolio. His video for "Fantastic Voyage" was on a lot, though, and it was enjoyable. If he's in my list of favorite artists from 1994, then TLC should be too. Three fine black ladies telling me not to follow dreams that had no logical conclusions while dancing in water? How are you not a fan? Then one of them destroyed Andre Rison's home and, inevitably, his career. Another got fat. Is the other one still hot? Oh well, she's 40 now, isn't she? I guess it was just 2Pac and Green Day, then. I apologize for the profanity.
--Ben Rice