Kamran
07-16-2006, 05:57 PM
With this first article - with many to regularly follow - Decoy's Ben Rice lets his frustrations, his thoughts, and his obscure, abrasive opinion be known. Call him an elitist, call him pretentious, but the man knows his stuff, and now Decoy proudly presents: Ben Rice is Never Wrong.
If you've ever had doubts that I know what I'm talking about, then something is wrong with you. Whether the topic be music, sports, finance, politics, or matters of the heart, I am always right. If you still don't believe me, just check out all the wonderful things people have said about me over the years:
"Ben Rice is the best guy you could possibly have at a party. He meshes so well with the Afghan Whigs and the Afghanistaninitesians. His bravado and brusque demeanor make him that loveable loser you cheer for in Texas high school football games. Well, until the state championship. Just win, baby! Don't mess with Texas. Ben Rice is always right, but is not the number one candidate for starting quarterback. And he knows it. So he's even right then. Don't. Mess. With. Texas." - President George W. Bush
"Sure, there are book smarts. There are street smarts. And then there are people that just know how to look smart, look sharp. My man Ben Rice does all of that. It borders on fucking ridiculous, man. He may look low-key, with his business casual that almost kinda matches. But what you gotta understand is, my boy Ben, he got his own thing going. Disheveled hair, unkempt beard, wrinkled clothing, scuffed shoes – man's a forward thinker. You know those kids that go to them hardcore dancing shows wearing dress suits? Who do you think started that shit? That was my man Rice da 5'9", ya heard? It all started when he had to make a run down to Frisco to check out some shitty metalcore band because he'd gotten the interview hookup. But he didn't have no time to be going home, getting all re-dressed and showered and shit. So he showed up in his Sunday best and just threw down on them punk motherfuckers, started throwin them bony-ass 'bows around, cracking skulls. Shit, by the time he was done, had twelve motherfucking ambulances just dragging bodies outta there. A bloodbath, man, just sick. And when the cops came, all you see is my man Ben pulling teeth out this one neo-Nazi's skull. And you know what he did? He stabbed that fool in the heart with his own damn canine. He may be twisted, but even when he's wrong, Ben Rice is right. It's outta sight, son!" - Ben Folds
"You think my moves were the reason the Sox won the World Series? To be honest, it was all Ben Rice. Well, okay, remember those few iffy choices I made? That was me attempting to apply what I'd learned. Sorry." - Theo Epstein
"When I wrote the song 'Let It Be,' it was actually in reference to Ben Rice. I once tried to argue a point with him about whether or not Yoko would be bad for the band. He said, 'John, let it be. There will be an answer. Let it be.' I didn't really know what he was getting at at the time, but it did make for an interesting lyric, so I wrote the song. And if Paul tries to claim it, tell him I'll see him in Hell." - John Lennon
"The thing I hate about comedy these days is that everyone's playing to the lowest denominator, getting the easy laughs. There's no more art there. Say something in a funny fucking voice, impersonate a flash-in-the-pan celebrity, and you're a star. Be a fag, but tell jokes about how much gash you get? You're an overnight success. I helped to create a whole new set of comedy rules years ago, and I've seen them tarnished and taken advantage of time and again. No one does it right anymore. No one understands the fine fucking art of laughter. Then one day, I met this music writer, goes by the name of Ben Rice. Five minutes on a busy city street and I thought, 'My God, this man-child is almost on my level.' I'd never had to deal with that before. He just has this natural understanding of the goings-on in the world, of interpersonal interactions. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. And he's got that spiteful edge to it that just is incredible to see. I think he's dead now…" - George Carlin
"Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't think anyone would really care. And for years, no one did. But every few weeks, Ben Rice would call me and tell me to stop, that I was only hurting myself. 'Goodbye, legacy!' he'd say. But I never listened. It's like the dude was psychic." - Barry Bonds
"In 1971, Ben Rice told me my godson would ruin my legacy." - Willie Mays
"Ben Rice is hung like a My Little Pony. And those things are humongous down there, compared to the size of their bodies. Everyone knows the proportions of one's genitalia relate directly to the intellect of said individual. And Ben Rice, he has the most gigantic genitals I have ever seen." - Angelina Jolie
"I once received an email from a complete stranger telling me that this movie that had been sent to me would never get the respect it deserved because it was basically an updated version of a movie I'd done about a decade prior. This stranger also pointed out that the film was below me at this stage in my career, as I'd quickly established myself as one of the greatest actors who ever lived. I made the movie and I regret it every single day. I mean, I guess I could start to downplay it all by saying Meg Ryan really needed the work, but it's too late now. I finally responded to the email this past year, and I got a response with an actual name. This Ben Rice guy responded the same day to tell me I was a fool for taking on that hack-piece The DaVinci Code and asked if I was really trying to "pull a Bonds" on my career." - Tom Hanks
"I thought I was hot shit for years, but Ben Rice was always there to tell me it would never last and that I should really invest in actual acting lessons because I couldn't rely on neat voice tricks alone. Screeeee, urrr, flump flump flump crsh blump fadump dump dump. He even gave the same advice to a compatriot of mine, Steve Guttenberg, but his line with Steve was, 'You won't get by on looks alone for much longer.' A ha ha ha, [canned audience clapping] Thank god they cast me in the next Police Academy movie. I could really use the money. Doot doot grrr reeeeee turrrrr blam! Pow pow chicka chick pow! Nee nuuu, neee nuu woop woop woop woop!" - Michael Winslow
"Someone once told me if I wrote things that seemed like they were going somewhere and seemed like there would be twists and hints that could be deciphered upon multiple viewings, I'd gain a cult following and be hailed as one of the great scriptwriters and film directors of all time. I mean, have you seen Mulholland Drive? I dare you to find one coherent storyline in there. Just one! I dare you! And I've made a killing off this stuff for decades! Thanks, Ben Rice!" - David Lynch
"Cello? In a punk band? And a woman playing it? Unthinkable. That idea was preposterous. Ben Rice said it would work and I thought I'd give it a try, just to show him how wrong he was. Too bad she pulled a typical woman move and left just as we were really getting somewhere. God, I hate women. Hate, hate hate. I'm writing my next album about that bitch." - Tim Kasher
"It was no snake; it was Ben Rice." - The Book of Genesis
"My original argument was, 'If the evidence seems to prove he's guilty, it was probably planted, so it's best to find my client innocent just to be on the safe side, because there's no point in condemning a possibly-innocent man to a multi-year prison sentence, because, let's face it, prison is pretty terrifying.' I read it over my cell phone to Ben Rice to see what he thought of it. After a few minutes, he told me I used the word 'because' too much and it would be much simpler, as well as more jury-friendly, to use a combination of Ebonics, faulty logic, and rhyming to win the jury over. 'If the glove don't fit, you must acquit' took him about forty-five seconds to think up after I agreed to let him take a stab – haha, oh, irony, hoo – take a stab at it. That phone call cost me $95. I billed OJ $95,000 by playing some crafty lawyer-games with the decimal point. Now that I think about it, that was Ben's idea, as well." - Johnny Cochran
"Even though I don't have the power of speech any longer, and it has heightened my cranial capacity to nearly God-like levels, Ben Rice still consistently beats me at chess. I have spent many nights rummaging through his various journals. On my third night of scrounging, I stole a manuscript he'd written about black holes and things of that nature. I rewrote it to be in my own voice, but all the ideas were his. I've been piggybacking off the guy ever since." - Stephen Hawking
"The only thing that scares me…is Ben Rice." - Keyser Soze
As you can see, some of the world's most powerful people, its greatest thinkers, and its biggest celebrities, all come around to see my side of things and have come to the conclusion that doubting me is a fool's endeavor. So the next time you think to yourself, "Man, Ben Rice could not be more off than he is with that statement," just remember: Ben Rice is always right. Therefore, it shall be chiseled into stone that that singer dude from Klimt1918 sounds like a male version of Dolores O'Riordan. Dillinger Escape Plan is better with Greg. If you still want to hear DEP with Dmitri, listen to Shoemaker Levy 9. If you're in a pop-punk band and you're looking for a positive review from Decoy Music, do not ever submit it to Ben Rice. Ever. However, if you're a mentally retarded midget who knows how to hit a rhythm-less ensemble of keys on a keyboard while some idiot randomly slaps at toms, you have gone through enough torture to deserve that 4.5 I will undoubtedly bestow upon your staggering work of musical genius.
-Ben Rice
If you've ever had doubts that I know what I'm talking about, then something is wrong with you. Whether the topic be music, sports, finance, politics, or matters of the heart, I am always right. If you still don't believe me, just check out all the wonderful things people have said about me over the years:
"Ben Rice is the best guy you could possibly have at a party. He meshes so well with the Afghan Whigs and the Afghanistaninitesians. His bravado and brusque demeanor make him that loveable loser you cheer for in Texas high school football games. Well, until the state championship. Just win, baby! Don't mess with Texas. Ben Rice is always right, but is not the number one candidate for starting quarterback. And he knows it. So he's even right then. Don't. Mess. With. Texas." - President George W. Bush
"Sure, there are book smarts. There are street smarts. And then there are people that just know how to look smart, look sharp. My man Ben Rice does all of that. It borders on fucking ridiculous, man. He may look low-key, with his business casual that almost kinda matches. But what you gotta understand is, my boy Ben, he got his own thing going. Disheveled hair, unkempt beard, wrinkled clothing, scuffed shoes – man's a forward thinker. You know those kids that go to them hardcore dancing shows wearing dress suits? Who do you think started that shit? That was my man Rice da 5'9", ya heard? It all started when he had to make a run down to Frisco to check out some shitty metalcore band because he'd gotten the interview hookup. But he didn't have no time to be going home, getting all re-dressed and showered and shit. So he showed up in his Sunday best and just threw down on them punk motherfuckers, started throwin them bony-ass 'bows around, cracking skulls. Shit, by the time he was done, had twelve motherfucking ambulances just dragging bodies outta there. A bloodbath, man, just sick. And when the cops came, all you see is my man Ben pulling teeth out this one neo-Nazi's skull. And you know what he did? He stabbed that fool in the heart with his own damn canine. He may be twisted, but even when he's wrong, Ben Rice is right. It's outta sight, son!" - Ben Folds
"You think my moves were the reason the Sox won the World Series? To be honest, it was all Ben Rice. Well, okay, remember those few iffy choices I made? That was me attempting to apply what I'd learned. Sorry." - Theo Epstein
"When I wrote the song 'Let It Be,' it was actually in reference to Ben Rice. I once tried to argue a point with him about whether or not Yoko would be bad for the band. He said, 'John, let it be. There will be an answer. Let it be.' I didn't really know what he was getting at at the time, but it did make for an interesting lyric, so I wrote the song. And if Paul tries to claim it, tell him I'll see him in Hell." - John Lennon
"The thing I hate about comedy these days is that everyone's playing to the lowest denominator, getting the easy laughs. There's no more art there. Say something in a funny fucking voice, impersonate a flash-in-the-pan celebrity, and you're a star. Be a fag, but tell jokes about how much gash you get? You're an overnight success. I helped to create a whole new set of comedy rules years ago, and I've seen them tarnished and taken advantage of time and again. No one does it right anymore. No one understands the fine fucking art of laughter. Then one day, I met this music writer, goes by the name of Ben Rice. Five minutes on a busy city street and I thought, 'My God, this man-child is almost on my level.' I'd never had to deal with that before. He just has this natural understanding of the goings-on in the world, of interpersonal interactions. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. And he's got that spiteful edge to it that just is incredible to see. I think he's dead now…" - George Carlin
"Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't think anyone would really care. And for years, no one did. But every few weeks, Ben Rice would call me and tell me to stop, that I was only hurting myself. 'Goodbye, legacy!' he'd say. But I never listened. It's like the dude was psychic." - Barry Bonds
"In 1971, Ben Rice told me my godson would ruin my legacy." - Willie Mays
"Ben Rice is hung like a My Little Pony. And those things are humongous down there, compared to the size of their bodies. Everyone knows the proportions of one's genitalia relate directly to the intellect of said individual. And Ben Rice, he has the most gigantic genitals I have ever seen." - Angelina Jolie
"I once received an email from a complete stranger telling me that this movie that had been sent to me would never get the respect it deserved because it was basically an updated version of a movie I'd done about a decade prior. This stranger also pointed out that the film was below me at this stage in my career, as I'd quickly established myself as one of the greatest actors who ever lived. I made the movie and I regret it every single day. I mean, I guess I could start to downplay it all by saying Meg Ryan really needed the work, but it's too late now. I finally responded to the email this past year, and I got a response with an actual name. This Ben Rice guy responded the same day to tell me I was a fool for taking on that hack-piece The DaVinci Code and asked if I was really trying to "pull a Bonds" on my career." - Tom Hanks
"I thought I was hot shit for years, but Ben Rice was always there to tell me it would never last and that I should really invest in actual acting lessons because I couldn't rely on neat voice tricks alone. Screeeee, urrr, flump flump flump crsh blump fadump dump dump. He even gave the same advice to a compatriot of mine, Steve Guttenberg, but his line with Steve was, 'You won't get by on looks alone for much longer.' A ha ha ha, [canned audience clapping] Thank god they cast me in the next Police Academy movie. I could really use the money. Doot doot grrr reeeeee turrrrr blam! Pow pow chicka chick pow! Nee nuuu, neee nuu woop woop woop woop!" - Michael Winslow
"Someone once told me if I wrote things that seemed like they were going somewhere and seemed like there would be twists and hints that could be deciphered upon multiple viewings, I'd gain a cult following and be hailed as one of the great scriptwriters and film directors of all time. I mean, have you seen Mulholland Drive? I dare you to find one coherent storyline in there. Just one! I dare you! And I've made a killing off this stuff for decades! Thanks, Ben Rice!" - David Lynch
"Cello? In a punk band? And a woman playing it? Unthinkable. That idea was preposterous. Ben Rice said it would work and I thought I'd give it a try, just to show him how wrong he was. Too bad she pulled a typical woman move and left just as we were really getting somewhere. God, I hate women. Hate, hate hate. I'm writing my next album about that bitch." - Tim Kasher
"It was no snake; it was Ben Rice." - The Book of Genesis
"My original argument was, 'If the evidence seems to prove he's guilty, it was probably planted, so it's best to find my client innocent just to be on the safe side, because there's no point in condemning a possibly-innocent man to a multi-year prison sentence, because, let's face it, prison is pretty terrifying.' I read it over my cell phone to Ben Rice to see what he thought of it. After a few minutes, he told me I used the word 'because' too much and it would be much simpler, as well as more jury-friendly, to use a combination of Ebonics, faulty logic, and rhyming to win the jury over. 'If the glove don't fit, you must acquit' took him about forty-five seconds to think up after I agreed to let him take a stab – haha, oh, irony, hoo – take a stab at it. That phone call cost me $95. I billed OJ $95,000 by playing some crafty lawyer-games with the decimal point. Now that I think about it, that was Ben's idea, as well." - Johnny Cochran
"Even though I don't have the power of speech any longer, and it has heightened my cranial capacity to nearly God-like levels, Ben Rice still consistently beats me at chess. I have spent many nights rummaging through his various journals. On my third night of scrounging, I stole a manuscript he'd written about black holes and things of that nature. I rewrote it to be in my own voice, but all the ideas were his. I've been piggybacking off the guy ever since." - Stephen Hawking
"The only thing that scares me…is Ben Rice." - Keyser Soze
As you can see, some of the world's most powerful people, its greatest thinkers, and its biggest celebrities, all come around to see my side of things and have come to the conclusion that doubting me is a fool's endeavor. So the next time you think to yourself, "Man, Ben Rice could not be more off than he is with that statement," just remember: Ben Rice is always right. Therefore, it shall be chiseled into stone that that singer dude from Klimt1918 sounds like a male version of Dolores O'Riordan. Dillinger Escape Plan is better with Greg. If you still want to hear DEP with Dmitri, listen to Shoemaker Levy 9. If you're in a pop-punk band and you're looking for a positive review from Decoy Music, do not ever submit it to Ben Rice. Ever. However, if you're a mentally retarded midget who knows how to hit a rhythm-less ensemble of keys on a keyboard while some idiot randomly slaps at toms, you have gone through enough torture to deserve that 4.5 I will undoubtedly bestow upon your staggering work of musical genius.
-Ben Rice