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I’m surely going to receive quite a bit of criticism for this, but it really can’t be helped because for the first and hopefully only time ever at Decoymusic, a movie is being reviewed by a reviewer who refuses to actually see it. This may seem unprofessional, but dishing out any kind of money that isn’t monopoly money to view this stinking pile of cinematic garbage is something that I simply could not endure whilst preserving a healthy amount of non-exploded brain matter. Instead, this space will be dedicated to two contemplations: first, a discussion of exactly why I chose not to see this undoubtedly idiotic spoof; second, a soap-box rant / meditation on the how (?!) behind Epic Movie’s meteoric rise to the number one spot at the box office during its opening weekend.

My reasons for avoiding this flick are many. For starters, I initially mistook the theatrical trailer for a rabid marsupial performing a claws-out, arms-flailing airborne assault on my soft and unprotected face. Did someone, somewhere honestly watch this and declare enthusiastically moments later, “damn, Cletus, that there looks hi-larious!”? Come on, people. If there existed a comedy equivalent to those protective driving classes you’re forced to attend after receiving a traffic violation, its clownish instructor would undoubtedly show this trailer in place of those gruesome drunk driving deterrent videos as an example of how not to attempt satire. Wow, that skinny redhead in the tracksuit opens a wardrobe suspiciously akin to the one from The Chronicles of Narnia, but instead of unearthing a magical land full of witches and talking animals, she’s crushed by an unwarranted amount of sporting goods, stuffed animals and other junk? That’s so clever! And how ‘bout that Paris Hilton clone spouting, “I’m so hot” before being similarly smashed by a woman thrown from a snake-filled airplane by none other than a bad mother fuckin’ Samuel L. Jackson look-alike? It’s pop-culturrific! Never mind that Paris Hilton has absolutely nothing to do with epic movies (though her sex tape is supposedly quite long and boring).

Ok, so we’ve established that I hated the trailer, which now fades restlessly into the coming-soon-as-nightmares section of my subconscious; an incredibly bad sign given that these short previews are basically the best scraps of a film assembled in ways that attempt to make even the suckiest of suckfests look as awesome as possible. There’s a point during this short vision of hell on earth in which a bit of onscreen text displays excitedly, “From two of the six writers of Scary Movie!” These two “writers,” Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, are also the sole directorial authority in Epic Movie, meaning that after a long, hard day of scripting, the set is unfortunately devoid of someone in a name-stamped folding chair and baseball cap who can blare, “THIS SHIT IS STUPID!” into their faces through a megaphone. With people like this involved in its creation, how in the name of God and all his semi-naked cherubs is this movie making money? Are we so desperate for an ill-advised laugh? Please, stop paying for this tripe so that the people churning it out might have an opportunity to realize they need to do better.

I’m finished talking about Epic Movie, because the topic angers me. If you’d like to defend this film or bash me, feel free to head over to the comments section and go hog wild, but before you sting me with your linguistic slings and arrows remember that my refusal to see the movie echoes as a muffled but resilient cry from the freedom fighters of decades and centuries past; men and women who stood up for ideals they deemed invaluable, rejecting a socially imposed silence spawned from ignorance and tyranny. Remember that as you type your insults. Remember how I would not lower myself into a semi-reclining, questionably stained chair and watch this movie for whatever reason, and remember that I did it all – or rather, didn’t really do anything – in the name of our God-given right to enjoy good movies. In idleness have I found strength; a vitality of absolute necessity in the fight for you, your brothers and sisters, your sons and daughters, your mothers and fathers. One day these shackles will tumble to the ground and the production companies of California will hear our voices, shouting brightly and united as one. A joyful future is within reach, but thanks to Epic Movie’s (hopefully) brief stint at the top of the box office, it is not this day.

-Scott Miller